garbageship | That's no moon... Wait, no, it's a moon.

"Are you planning to take prisoners?"

He's not insisting on killing. All he's worrying about is getting away safely.

The war is on, no question about that. His part is to keep them out of it, for now.

"I... I was just wondering if there were options. I wouldn't do anything to jeopardize us." Except kiss Ben of course.

It's not that he doesn't get her objections. Han isn't so good a man as that, but he understands. It's just a statement of fact that for them, sometimes there won't be an option. Taking prisoners is a terrible idea, only because they've got too many mortal enemies on the ship already.

"I'm not lookin for a fight," he points out. "I just want us to be able to end one if it comes to us."

"Yeah, I know." She just likes herself better when she's not putting blood on her hands. And the people in armor are going to be harder now that she's known Finn.

And while she's concerned about herself here, it isn't the only concern she has. "Won't it make it harder for Ben? Crossing a line like that."

"Planning for the worst doesn't mean I'm not hoping for the best."

He just knows not to expect it. What, does she think he likes the idea? Violence isn't something he means to encourage, but it's likely to be a fact of life, no matter what. It doesn't necessarily mean surrendering to fear and anger, even if it's likelier. All he can do is the best he can do.

"I can't protect him from everything."

That's not him making excuses. He wishes, desperately, that he could.

She doesn't think he likes it. She just struggles with it when she has the luxury of time to struggle with it. She also spent about a year away from the killing fields and it was a pretty good year all things considered. Getting back to it was like riding a bike in some ways but mentally it was harder especially when the need was sporadic instead of semi-constant.

"I know. You would if you could."

She looks over to where Ben is standing still practicing. "He's lucky to have you."

It's rare for him to have the luxury to think about it; his has always been a dangerous world. But he worries about Ben, of course he does. Casting a glance that follows hers, he shrugs.

He can't take that kind of credit, not after the part he's played in everything going so wrong. All he can do is try.

She hears how loud your silence is, Han. "You probably don't think so because of what happened, but like you said. You can't protect him from everything."

Yeah... guilty as charged. He just hopes he's not too late to make up some of the difference.

"I'm trying anyway."

"Unconditional love is probably the strongest thing in the universe. No offense to the force." It's the kind of thing you can spend your whole life trying to find again after it gets ripped away.

That earns her a funny look. From everything he knows (which, admittedly, comes from Luke, who is in the unique position of being both the last man trained in the Jedi ways and the one who defines those ways going forward), there's little difference between the two.

Maybe it's enough. If it isn't, he doesn't know what would be.

"What? I have the soul of a poet, okay?" Not really, but she does feel odd going on about such things.

No surprise that she doesn't follow his thoughts. He's not sure he follows them himself. Trying to explain the Force to her is like a little like discussing the color of ultraviolet light. He can't perceive it himself, can't show it to someone who can't, but he knows just enough of the theory to understand why it's so important.

"Has he told you anything about his training? Before. With Luke."

"Not much. Things about restraint and being afraid it would change who he was and the way he feels things." So, not pleasant things, but she also takes anything from that time with some skepticism because she knows Snoke was working on him too and he hasn't stepped away from all that yet.

"I'm not sure he understands the difference between restraint and suppression of feelings. I'm not sure I do, either," he admits. Not in any way that makes sense. He knows Luke, and that's always been enough. Love without jealousy, without fear of loss. The capacity to kill, but without hate.

It's something he's glimpsed, moments that linger in his memory with the weight of utmost significance, but that doesn't mean he understands any of it. He's the lucky one, in that he doesn't have to.

"I'll make that an uneven three then. He did say he'd teach me more about the Force." And then they got distracted with other things, but she imagines they'll manage some productive time together. They did some actual practicing between hand holding and hugging just now!

"But I know his earlier memories are all a little tainted by Snoke."

"Luke could explain it better." He can't help but sigh softly. "Or, he wouldn't need to. You'd get it if you met him."

Where Ben is impatient, impassioned. It isn't that Luke doesn't feel, doesn't love-- he does so more expansively and deeply than anyone Han has ever known-- but that he isn't moved solely by what he feels.

"You know, eventually, I'm making 'Luke could explain it better' into a drinking game where I take a shot every time you say it. Of course I'll be drunk all the time."

It's also a little frustrating because Luke isn't here. They have to deal with what is here.

"When I was Ben's age, I was pretty sure the Jedi were a myth." Shrugging, he glances out at nothing, across the rocky landscape. "I never believed in the force." He's not cut out for this. Leia had said it didn't matter, that being a father is more important now than being a Jedi... But it's impossible not to feel out of place, between Ben and Rey. Both of them need to learn things he doesn't know how to teach.

"When I was 12 I didn't know any mutants and I couldn't walk through walls. Things change." You're old now, Han. You have a force using wife, brother-in-law, and son.

Sure, he probably knows it better than anyone who's never spent time around that many force users. But no matter how hard you look, you don't see colors your eyes can't process.

"Which is why I'm doing the best I can."

"I know you are. We all are." She gets frustrated when she has trouble catching onto something. It's not something she really had to work through much. And for a person thrown completely out of the comfort zone of their galaxy she's not doing badly, but it's not the same. The force is probably the most important thing right now that still doesn't make much sense to her.

"I told you, it's nothing to be jealous of."

It would have been luckier if Ben had taken after him. That's a selfish thought, but he's had it any number of times.

"I'm not." Not of having the force anyway. A power that comes with the certainty of good or evil? How is that even real life? Isn't everything just shades of grey?

She looks over at him, it's a change of subject, but she's curious after her discussion with Ben and any number of things in this talk have made her remember it. "How old do you think I am?"

Sometimes he understands it better than others; what he does get, though, is half-instinctive, hard to relate. It's just what he's seen, everything he's lived as the odd man out among Skywalkers.

The question takes him by surprise, it feels out of nowhere.

"I have no idea."

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject