WHO'S FLYING THIS THING?!

[scruffier]

After D'Qar, on the way to nowhere in particular.

Comments

[scruffier]

[That way of putting it is... Strange. Okay. Han is not used to feeling like the bit part in his own life. He and Chewie have always been equal partners in all their stupid endeavors, more or less. But she doesn't mean anything unkind, so he just lets it pass.]

You do get used to it. Eventually. [Even if all you ever wanted was off a planet it takes a while to adjust. There's a world of difference between seeing the sky and seeing nothing but sky. He's not unsympathetic. He's quiet a moment.]

Do you still want to go back to Jakku?

[icanfix]

No. [It comes out vehemently, because she hates that stupid awful planet and the petty squalid life she lived there.

And yet, in the next moment, she feels an equally desperate desire to say Yes. At least she would have some room to breathe, space away from people and the complicated feelings she isn't able to process in the tightly confined ship. And despite what Maz told her, a part of her is still terrified that her family will go back to Jakku for her, but she won't be there. A small portion of her heart insists that, if Han came back for his son, then surely her mother will come back for her. If Han can overcome all the problems that drove him and his son apart, her mother can overcome whatever reasons she had to leave Rey behind.]

Maybe. I don't know.

[She knows the universe isn't fair, but she feels like, if she accepts being completely abandoned by her family while Kylo Ren the mass murderer gets to enjoy the love of his, she'll break.]

[scruffier]

I don't think it's ever gonna be safe for you there.

[He says that as gently as he possibly can. It's not about keeping her or being rid of her, it's not about his worry that fear and anger will lead her down a bad path. Right now it's just a simple fact: they are always going to be watching that planet. He doesn't think there will be anyone showing up searching for her anyway, but it'd be insult to injury saying it. They're both aware of it.

What he can offer as an alternative feels inadequate. A family of sorts that isn't (unless it is. But that's a suspicion for another day). The problem is he gets why she doesn't want to stick that close to them, to Ben. Because in her mind he isn't Ben, and maybe he never will be.]

I want to help. You know that, right?

[icanfix]

[She blinks back tears.]

I know.

[It would be easier if he didn't. She's used to dealing with cruelty and indifference; that was her life on Jakku. She didn't have to care about anybody because nobody cared about her.

But Han and the others do, and she wants so desperately to please them, to prove herself worthy of their regard so they don't leave her. She knows she's a disappointment, because she can't accept "Ben Solo." Any day now they'll give up on her.

She turns around so he can't see the tears she hastily wipes away. There's no point getting upset over the inevitable. She'll learn to live with it the way she's learned to live with everything else. As long as she can have even a small part in helping the Resistance destroy the First Order, her life won't be a waste.]

[scruffier]

Hey.

[That's soft and worried, which is maybe not going to help this particular bout of turmoil. She might not be his kid but he kind of feels as responsible as if she was. And obviously he's doing just as bad a job of it as he did the first time around.]

Look, if you run off I'm gonna have to follow you and I promise there ain't a place to hide on this ship that I don't know about.

[The joke's about as gentle as he can make it. But, also, he means it.]

[icanfix]

[For a moment, she thinks he's talking about her plan to leave — then she realizes he's talking about her running off this second. She tries to laugh and desperately wishes her eyes would stop leaking.]

I don't have anywhere to run to. [She tries to play it off as a joke, but it's terrifying to contemplate. She's never been anywhere she couldn't escape somehow.]

[scruffier]

[If he knew, he'd mean that as well.]

So why don't you sit down and talk to me a while?

[icanfix]

[She finally manages to get the waterworks to stop, and sits back at the table.]

We're already talking.

[scruffier]

Sort of.

[Barely.]

I can't take you to Luke, either. I would if I could. We're gonna have to figure out what we can do.

[So, Rey, what is it you want?]

[icanfix]

[Hey, this has been a deep, open, and honest conversation. By Rey's standards. Admittedly, she keeps pretty much everything very close to her chest.]

So far it sounds like my options are stay on this ship, stay on this ship, and stay on this ship.

[She sounds ... as bitter as she feels, but more bitter than she really wants to convey, which is why she immediately bites her tongue.

Then a thought occurs to her.]

What if I disguised myself?

[scruffier]

[At least it's the best ship there is, he almost points out, but the tone makes him bite back the joke. You don't get to be as old as he is in this line of work without getting good at space travel; the kids, none of them except Kitty have lived like this. Of course they're getting antsy.]

I don't know. Maybe. [She won't like it, but he'll have to ask Ben what he thinks, whether they could do enough to keep her from being spotted, or whether the First Order would see through it.]

Where are you trying to go, anyway?

[icanfix]

Anywhere. I just ... I feel trapped here. On Jakku at least I could take a ship and explore. [That's how she taught herself to fly.] I need something to look at other than these walls.

[She knows those reasons aren't good enough; she needs to offer him ones that speak to his own interests.]

Besides, you need me out there. Kitty's a good mechanic, but she doesn't know how to make something out of nothing like I do. [There may be just a hint of force power when she says this, though it's not nearly enough to actually affect his judgement. She isn't deliberately trying to jedi mind-trick him; she's just desperate and her powers are reacting accordingly.]

I'll wear a disguise. I'll cut my hair. I'll shave my hair! Nobody would recognize me if I was bald. [Not that she really wants to be bald, but if that's what it takes for her to leave the ship, she'll do it.]

[scruffier]

[Han has been surrounded by force users much more often than the average person, but it's rare for them to try anything on him. Luke employs that trick sparingly, and for Leia it would be cheating, and Ben wouldn't have gotten away with it. So it's not exactly that he can tell what she's doing, but there's something subtly different. Intense.]

Whoa, whoa. [Dial it down a little, kid.] I get it. We'll figure it out. Don't let it make you crazy. You get used to it.

[icanfix]

... promise me we'll figure it out. [For her family, Rey can wait forever. And her experience waiting for them has taught her patience. But that doesn't mean she's willing to wait for everything. ]

[scruffier]

This is pretty much the job I offered you. Thought about offering you.

[He doesn't make that offer to everyone. Only people he likes, kid. Granted, he didn't expect they'd be quite this hot. Resistance allies are one thing, personal targets of the full might of the First Order are quite another.]

We're starting with blaster training, we'll wing it after that, okay?

[icanfix]

[We weren't traveling with the enemy at the time, Rey thinks peevishly, but doesn't say.]

I turned down that job, remember?

[The rest of his words don't offer any comfort. Blaster training will be on a remote moon and she'll be stuck interacting with Kylo Ren, and "we'll wing it after that" is code for "I just want you to drop the subject.]

Fine. [Rey doesn't argue with him. She's not afraid to argue when she's desperate — like when Finn walked away from the mission — but in her experience, you can't argue people out of treating you like they're going to treat you. Arguing with Plutt about the rations he paid out never worked for her. She learned to take what she was given and make her own opportunities.]

[scruffier]

Yeah, but it was a close call.

[And there's no question now about Jakku, so maybe the consolation prize is better than nothing.

The truth is he doesn't expect or really want her to interact with his son-- Ben, he'd point out-- when they stop. It's just that both of them need the practice, it makes sense for them to do it at the same time. They don't have to shoot together. If they can avoid getting each other riled up, it'll be easier on everyone.]

Can you stop doing that?

[icanfix]

Doing what?

[She's not arguing with him, what's he getting irritated at her for?!]

[scruffier]

[For not arguing, obviously.]

You know I don't read minds, right?

[icanfix]

...neither do I? [The words come out before she remembers that wait, no, she did read Kylo Ren's mind that one time, but that was just to get him the hell out of hers. She hasn't done it since. And she doubts Kylo told his father about it. And anyway that's not the point the point is she doesn't understand where he's going with this.]

[scruffier]

[He hasn't been given the details, only that the force is strong with her, and he's got some idea of what that means for a person. Even if she doesn't mean to, he imagines she's picking up on things. With Ben and Leia it always seemed instinctive... Or maybe he's just obvious.]

I mean if you don't tell me things, I don't know them. So, what-- you don't believe me? Why?

[icanfix]

What about me agreeing to your plan indicates I don't believe you?

[Granted, she doesn't. But is he sure he's not a mind reader?]

[scruffier]

[He's not a mind reader. He is a father, though. And a damn good card player.

So he just fixes her with the are you kidding me? look. Because obviously she doesn't, and until she explains it he doesn't get why.]

[icanfix]

[You can't bully her into telling you the truth with your Dad Looks! No! She is a creature of iron will!

She sighs with the level of irritation only a 19 year old can muster.]

You don't want to let me off the ship. You'd rather I just get used to it.

[scruffier]

I don't wanna leave you on some random backwater planet to fend for yourself.

[Which he regrets saying as soon as he's done saying it, because someone did exactly that. Probably with a good reason, but even so, it was a terrible life to leave her to.]

We can't just stop anywhere we like, and sooner or later we're coming back to the ship.