garbageship | That's no moon... Wait, no, it's a moon.

He isn't worried that Han's opinion of him will plummet. The man has forgiven him for slaughtering people and making an attempt on his life, after all. The only real concern would be how this altered his view of Kitty.

That rock does not fall victim to Ben's blaster. His mind really isn't on training. "Is he going to chaperone us on the Falcon?"

Is that you caring about her, Ben?

"We're adults." It actually hadn't even occurred to her. She hasn't had parents since she was 13. Logan was her mentor and she was pretty attached but he was never a father. He was still the closest thing she had back then. There were moments with Magneto but boss was still more applicable. Storm had a guiding influence but their missions were often separate. Everyone cared about her, but she was no one's child. "It doesn't seem like his style."

She forgets to throw another rock

No. Maybe.

"You're an adult. To him, I'm still a child." He's still a child in a lot of other ways, to be fair. "You think that you've disappointed him."

He doesn't remind her to keep throwing.

"That shouldn't matter." But disappointing him does matter to her which is probably obvious even without the force.

She meets his eyes. "Is that why you got upset when I called you kid?"

"I was upset because you were right. I'm childish." He isn't blind to all of his flaws, especially now when those flaws encourage him to take actions that have consequences. "My father last saw me when I was fifteen. He sees the same fifteen year-old. Taller and more dangerous, but no more mature or controlled."

Some of this is conjecture. He hasn't ventured into his father's mind. He's afraid of what he would see in there.

It is obvious that Han's opinion of her is extremely important to her. "He values you. Once that happens, there's little you can do to discourage him from continuing to do so."

"Thank you." Her voice is a little soft. It's nice to hear Ben thinks Han sees her that way.

She reaches out to give his arm a squeeze and rub her thumb across it. Not great for target practice, but breaks are good, right?

"You weren't being childish when I said it." The moment after she said it, yes. "And for what it's worth you're getting better about it, and I can be childish too." But she's not going to pretend like she hasn't noticed it on occasion. Not when he's self aware enough to admit it of himself. "Han will adjust. He's probably changed from the man you knew then too, hasn't he?" She wonders how that is working in reverse. Does Ben see him as he was or as he is? And what are the changes? She's just assuming they exist. She didn't know him back then, but losing his son and leaving his wife had to have changed him. How could they not?

She doesn't need to thank him for stating what should be obvious. Han Solo might be a scoundrel and, occasionally, a swindler, but he's loyal to those he has committed himself to.

They were coming up on a break anyway, weren't they? He looks down to give his blaster a completely unnecessary inspection.

"When have you been childish?" That may say more about his perception of Kitty than her actual levels of maturity. His perceptions probably shouldn't be trusted. This is more true, maybe, when it comes to his father. "Sometimes I feel as though I've never met him."

"My fight with Rey and the reasons behind it." At least some of the reasons were childish. She hasn't really gone into that with him, has she? He knew they fought and that he was the topic at least.

"And when I ran away" sometimes literally "for a couple of days while we were at Q'dar." Another brush of her thumb. She isn't running now.

"Maybe more sabacc games and just time together. You both have a lot of catching up to do." Maybe a setting like this will help too. As much as she thinks the Falcon is good for Ben it does help trap him in his past instead of showing him as he is. It must do the same to Han.

"What reasons?" Because he has been under the impression that most, if not all of it, was about him (self-centered, much?). As for D'qar, he would have left the ship himself if it wouldn't have meant being surrounded by the Resistance. He doesn't connect her absence then to himself. "What were you running from?"

There's a lot about her and what she does that he simply hasn't bothered to pay attention to. That's becoming clear now.

The hand that isn't holding the blaster comes to rest on top of hers.

"He said that he wants to get to know who I am." Granted, he said this a few days ago before Ben was inclined to want that himself.

The thing he thinks is all about him isn't, and the thing he doesn't think is about him is. Works out perfectly.

"That's good." She lights up a little, just happy for him and focusing on the nice thing Han said and Ben's hand on hers. But there are questions to answer and they're embarrassing for her because she felt childish about them. But she'll be honest.

"I was jealous of Rey." No, not over you. Gawd. "It felt like she could already do everything I could, you know? Engineering, piloting, fighting. I had special powers over her for about twelve seconds before it turned out she had some too. And she just seemed comfortable with the ship and Han and, you know, this entire galaxy in ways I'm not or in ways that took longer at least. It made me feel...replaceable." Glancing at him. "So, when she got annoyed about us I didn't try to see where she was coming from or hold myself in check. I just yelled back."

Her other hand comes up self consciously to brush back her hair. "And I was running from the way I was starting to feel about you."

Edited 2016-02-23 06:25 (UTC)

He and Han are in a decent place. Better than they've been since Ben was ten or so, which is sad, but progress is progress.

And for a supernaturally perceptive person, Ben misses a lot.

He listens, processes, and tries to come up with something to say that isn't I'm jealous of her too and smashed in a wall because she made me mad. "She is..." no, he's going to try to put this delicately, hold on, "...irritatingly talented. She can do things with the force that no untrained scavenger should be capable of, but she won't replace you." Although the force thing applies to Ben, not Han. Rey won't replace Kitty for Ben.

This last part, though. She's throwing all kinds of words his way, and if he didn't have a blaster in one hand, he'd be tempted to brush her hair back for her. "You knew it was a mistake from the beginning." Before the beginning.

That sort of hair brushing act is exactly what got them here in the first place! Okay, if not that touch then there probably would have been another one or a look or a kind word. Maybe this was always their direction.

She smiles when he says she won't be replaced, but moments later it hurts her heart to hear him call it a mistake. She doesn't want him to feel like that.

But it's not untrue.

"I mean...you did try to kill me the first two times we met. I wasn't sure it was a good idea." She's still not. But she's not sure it isn't either. Maybe she should be, but she wants to hope. "And I hadn't felt that way about anyone since Reid. It scared me." Remember that fear you felt before she left?

Even if this direction was inevitable once they'd met, it's never going to not be a mistake. Kitty has had too many bad relationships and might be too willing to accept disaster; Ben hasn't had any and, in addition to his general instability, he has very little understanding of what constitutes a healthy relationship with another person. He's aware of how terrible it is to foster an attachment between them, but he likes being around Kitty. He isn't willing to sacrifice their connection.

"I wouldn't try to kill you now." As if that makes it okay. Maybe, in both of their minds, it does. "Don't be afraid."

She has no reason not to be afraid that this will go poorly.

"I know. I'm not afraid of you trying to kill me." But part of that is just because she doesn't fear death or attacks. She fears loss. So she's still afraid of getting her heart broken again, but when that's the only way it ever seems to end she'd be afraid of that no matter how perfect the guy she was with seemed.

She's also afraid of messing up Ben's chance at breaking free from Snoke. She doesn't know much about force and attachments, but people in 12-step programs aren't supposed to be with anyone for about a year, right? You need time to get your head right before you try it with a relationship. It's not really the same, but maybe it's not so different either.

But right now it's not fear that he'd be feeling from her. There's just a peaceful sort of feeling being with him and being able to share these thoughts. She'd probably curl back in next to him if it weren't for him still holding the blaster and the others so close. It feels wrong to be so obvious in front of Han and Rey for different reasons. (But Chewie can totally watch.)

She might be afraid, but at least she's prepared.

He doesn't know any more about what's going to happen if Snoke is gone and stays gone than she does. Maybe, eventually, he'll master independence. Maybe he'll always look for someone to guide him and tell him what to do. Maybe being in any kind of relationship with someone looking for a replacement for their strong-in-the-force mentor of twenty-six years is a terrible idea regardless of the timing.

He isn't thinking about the future because the future still looks bleak. Now is fine. He likes having Kitty there, and he likes it when her mind is fairly calm. It's making it hard to get on with training, though.

"You're afraid of losing me." He frowns. "I'm afraid of that, too."

The moment is good. You never know if you're getting tomorrow.

"Of losing yourself or losing me?" Or both maybe.

Her hand slides down his arm to the blaster which she gentle takes from him, carefully setting it down by hers before just joining hands.

"Both." Maybe more losing himself, which seems to be the likelier of the two and would result in losing everyone else. He doesn't want to lose everyone else (except Rey, possibly). They mean something to him, and Kitty... Kitty is different. He's never had anyone like her to lose before.

They've probably practiced enough. There's an almost sleepy contentment here, and he would pull her closer if they weren't standing on a moon with the rest of their party not so far away. As it is, he just threads his fingers through hers.

There is something powerful about this sort of intimacy they've been cultivating. Han may not believe it, but she has been holding back, trying to go slower than she might otherwise. It is a little hard to believe considering the short time they've known each other, but she's always had to reach out and grab life before it's slipped through her fingers.

She gives his hand soft squeeze and smiles at him. "We should definitely stay found then."

It's a strange kind of intimacy. Ben doesn't have any goals; sleeping with Kitty isn't something that he's attempting to build up to. Being around her is comforting like nothing else he's experienced and he wants to keep doing it. For now, that's it. Taking this moment by moment.

"Do you believe it's possible?" Staying found. Keeping this comfortable thing between them even if it's a mistake.

Also not on her current to do list. (To do list has never sounded dirtier.)

"I do." She really does. "Maybe not likely or easy, but I believe it's possible." She doesn't know if she could be standing here with him right now if she didn't.

"What about you?" Clap your hands or Tink dies!

(Not that kind of to do list!)

"I want it to be." There are so many ways for it to not be possible and about half of them involve him running back to the dark side. It seems like it would be easy for the time that has elapsed since Starkiller Base to disappear, putting him right back where he was and away from what he's found.

(If it was it would be kind of empty right now.)

"Then you an be a big part of making sure it is. I've heard a rumor you're kind of a powerful guy." Smiling at him. "And that you know this really awesome girl who kicks ass." Are you learning all the lingo?

(From dirty to sad just like that.)

"Both of those rumors are true." Is she saying that he's capable of using that power to accomplish something that he wants rather than someone else's agenda? He forgets that he has agency now. It's a nice thing to have. It's even better to know that this really awesome girl who kicks ass (he's storing these words away and will try to use them correctly in the future) is with him.

With their powers, they can rule the galaxy as—

No, not that.

He squeezes her hand and lets himself enjoy the moment.

(Story of her life, bro.)

"You know, you almost look happy." She reaches up with her free hand to brush it through his hair this time. She definitely looks happy.

He leans towards her because he's basically a giant, angry cat that secretly wants to be petted. "I almost am."

Glancing down at her, he doesn't know when he last participated in making someone look happy. It's not a terrible thing, and he regrets not being in a situation where he can put his arms around her and hold on to these feelings.

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject