garbageship | That's no moon... Wait, no, it's a moon.

"It means I liked it. I like you. It didn't feel wrong." Not in the moment. In the moment it was exactly what she wanted. "But I'm afraid of hurting you and being hurt again." But she feels like she's doing that right now too. Like she should just say, 'no, it wasn't a mistake.' But her mind goes back to her conversation with Han and she feels conflicted. She's searching his eyes to see if he can understand this.

Since he's the one who was telling her not to get attached, he can't say anything against her fear of being hurt. That was before, though—before he realized that he was attached, and he's selfish and not afraid of potential future pain.

But that alone doesn't justify doing something rash like kissing her right now. She's confused and unhappy and he has no real desire to worsen those emotions in her.

"Help me understand." Because he doesn't and he would like to.

"I want to, but who's going to help me?" There's a sad sort of smile. "You can look for yourself if you want." As much as she is often telling him to use his words in this case she doesn't know what to say, but she's willing to let him in.

He can't help her. That's disappointing for reasons he can't explain to himself.

The offer to see what's going on inside of her head is one that he isn't going to turn away. Blaster all but forgotten, he looks into her eyes and beyond. She'll feel him in her mind, curious but trying not to be too intrusive.

It must look strange to the others. They're just standing there quietly looking into each other's eyes, not speaking. She doesn't know what to show him, so she doesn't try to push any thoughts, feelings or memories forward, but her mind organizes itself given the topic.

There's warmth and connection when she thinks of Ben. Attraction and affection and a sense of the gnawing loneliness inside being quieted. She's fond and proud of his successes and has great hope for him. But also concern over his tantrums and outbursts. And while him attacking her on the starkiller and choking her on their first conversation feel like distant more than forgiven memories already the way he went at her in their sparring session worries her. She also fears for him. What if she says or does the wrong thing and becomes worse than Snoke in his life? She doesn't want him to lose himself or for Han to lose him. Or herself. So many losses.

And then there are Tyki's hands around her throat and the way they battled after she found Ianto's body and the blood stained walls he'd left behind. And there's Piotr charging toward her as she signals for him to stop but he never does. Such betrayal from both of them. She'd seen goodness in Tyki too only to be deeply disappointed. And then Reid, a man she still has strong feelings for, even with all the distance between them telling her "I just can't." All the feelings of abandonment and insecurity and loss that went with it. Feeling like he wouldn't fight for her when she would do anything for him.

To say she's been unlucky in love is an understatement. She's lucky to be alive despite her loves.

And then there's Han looking so worried and telling her to be careful. Her concern that she'll disappoint him. She hadn't considered these memories when she suggested this exchange. Bearing herself to him is different than someone else.

He observes without trying to dig or find something specific, letting her show him what she chooses. While he's no stranger to observing the thoughts of others, this—seeing what she wants him to see—is oddly intimate.

Difficult to process, too. It's a lot of information, a lot of things that he has no context for or understanding of, thoughts that take him by surprise. A lot of feelings. One thing is abundantly obvious: there is no way he wouldn't cause more pain, whether it's by turning fully to the dark side, getting killed, or simply failing to become someone who functions as a human.

Instead of withdrawing immediately, he brushes up against her mind, reflecting her feelings of connection and affection, adding protectiveness and a desire (but not a promise) to do the right thing by her. It's nothing like the openness that she's showing him, just a mental response. Hopefully one that eases her mind.

It is intimate, but not so overwhelming as the time he shared a good deal of his memories with her. Still, many difficult emotions have been brought up and the ones he transmits are soothing. She misses them as they fade away and she responds by hugging him right there on their impromptu shooting range where anyone could see. Her head falls at his chest and she holds him tightly, careful not to discharge her blaster in the process. That's probably what Han meant about being careful, right?

"What do you think?" About anything. About what he saw. About her. About them. Hell, about shooting. She just wants to hear his voice.

He's never tried to make anyone feel better by poking around in their minds. It's encouraging, knowing that some of his more finely-honed skills can be put to good uses. He hugs her back, blaster pointed at the ground and finger off the trigger. Yeah, sure, this is absolutely safe in every way.

"I think I'm a mistake that I want you to make." Quiet. Not the right thing to say, probably, but at least he's not trying to deceive her.

She laughs against him softly but also nods her consent. She lost this battle before she knew she was fighting it. "Let's try something different where I work at not being a mistake for you and you work at not being a mistake for me." And everyone just lives happily ever after with the First Order hot on their trail.

There's no way this will go well. Ben Solo—Kylo Ren, it doesn't really matter which incarnation of him is referred to in this context—is a walking disaster, and if he was a decent human, he would warn Kitty off before anything terrible happens.

Since he's not, he won't.

"I'll try." And probably fail, but it's worth the effort. He presses his lips to the top of her head. If anyone's watching, that shouldn't disturb them any more than the hugging.

"Me too." She closes her eyes and can't help but find the tender way he does that to be incredibly sweet. It's probably the most dangerous thing he's ever done with her.

She holds him and lets him hold her back a moment longer before growing increasingly aware of just how this all must look. She withdraws slowly and gives Ben a soft smile.

"You know you're not getting out of training that easy."

Tenderness is something worth exploring while there's no rage to burn down all of the subtler emotions and while he's not actively destroying everything in himself that he deems weak. Maybe something will be learned from all of this.

Maybe that something will be don't become emotionally involved with unstable weapons of the dark side, but maybe not.

Even though he doesn't return her smile, he isn't as irritated with blaster practice as he was before. "You'll need to show me how to hold it again."

Eventually the odds have to be that something works out, right? Even if she makes the worst kinds of bets?

"I can do that." Her finger brush his arm gently before coaxing it back into position. "Spread your stance just a little more too for stability. Remember what I said about relaxing and absorbing the recoil. Don't anticipate it."

This is the worst of the worst bets Kitty has made. She'd better have Han Solo levels of luck.

Okay, now he's going to stop being distracted by little touches and take this seriously and show her how effective her tutelage is. He adjusts his stance, relaxes, and takes another shot. He clips the rock this time, so... progress?

The kind of luck where she is frozen in carbonite for awhile?

"Yeah." Seem pleased with that result. "You're good at taking direction. Just keep at it. You'll get a feel for it and your aim will improve."

Yes, exactly. Not quite as bad as her current run.

He lines up another shot, but doesn't fire. "I hate blasters."

"That's a pretty strong feeling to have about a tool." Which makes it sound a little childish.

He's a little childish. "How many times have you been shot with one?"

"Kind of rare. Most things I can phase through." And training that helped build the instinct to phase didn't normally come from weapons like these. But the question does earn him a concerned look. "How many times have you?"

"Most?" Not so long ago, he'd want to know what her weaknesses were so he could exploit them. That doesn't feel like his motivation now.

"Enough." Enough times to learn how to stop bolts with both the force and a lightsaber with almost unerring accuracy (except for when he's being distracted by multiple opponents, as happened recently). He preempts her reaction to his answer. "Don't pity me. It was the fastest way to learn."

"There are exceptions." It's not a thing she lists off easily. Maybe in time.

"I had some pretty rough training myself." But she imagines it was harder for Ben. Logan cared about her even if he was willing to let her get hurt to learn. Snoke wouldn't have. "Time to change your relationship with them though so you don't have to feel that way."

That isn't the answer he wanted but, in a remarkable feat of patience, he lets it go for now.

"It worked well for you, too." She's talented. He has seen no evidence to support the notion that tough training isn't the most effective way to teach, and maybe this whole exercise would go better if there was an actual threat to face. This is a kinder and gentler world, though. Grudgingly, he takes aim and fires several times, eventually getting in a hit that would have taken the rock down if it had been a threat.

"I've also had a lot of field experience." So hard to say what most led to the finished product he's seeing, but the training let her survive (most) of the experience. "You're improving. It's a good thing to focus on."

So have I, he wants to say, but so much of his field experience has involved being intimidating and telling stormtroopers who to kill. Nothing to brag about, and not necessarily the kind of experience that builds anything beyond brutality and coldheartedness.

"Slowly." He may be accepting that this isn't something he'll master in half an hour. "Not redirecting the blasts is difficult."

"Yeah, not phasing in a fight is hard for me too. It all just becomes instinct. You'll be better for it though." She raises her own blaster back up to take some shots. This is training for her too after all.

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